I keep running in my head the events that took place, searching for clues to why it happened this way.
I often wonder how I didnt know what was happening inside my own body. I feel my body must have known, it tried to tell me-but even if I had listened to the clues, what could I have done?
I also wonder at what exact moment she couldnt fight anymore? I never felt a struggle if there was one. Was it Tuesday at 5am when I woke myself with sobbing suddenly? Joel was half asleep when he asked me “Whats wrong Darlin?” I cried “shes not ok Joel, shes gone, I know it.” He tried to reasure me as I fell back asleep, exhausted from my tears.
Tuesday morning, I started trying to remember when i had last felt her. I was so surprised when I couldnt pinpoint a time. The nght before, I sat looking at Real Estate online while talking to Aubin. She had suggested I drink a cold glass of juice…always worked for her. I wasnt so fortunate. Joel said Molly was probably resting, going through a growth spurt. I wasnt satisfied but wasnt giving up yet either. I had an appt with Kalia the next morning…all my fears would be put to rest once we heard her heartbeat.
I’ll never forget tuesday morning when Em (my 5 year old daughter) saw my worry and asked what was wrong. I told her the baby wasnt moving and I hadnt been able to wake her. We decided to do our usual morning ritual of me laying in our bed with my girls laying on either side of me with their hands lovingly on my belly, giving their baby sister a wake up call. Every other morning, it had taken merely seconds. Nothing. I cradled her ody in my hands, left hand on her head, right hand on her bum.
Tears welled in my eyes as Em asked if I was sad because my baby wouldn’t wake up. She said the baby must be very tired.
I made my tea and wnet downstairs to the computer. I started researching fetal movement frequency. Everything I read told me to call Kalia right away. I felt silly, because I figured I was overreacting. Maybe she had been busy all night and I had been too busy sleeping to notice…and now she was just tired.
I didnt speak with Kalia directly, but felt relief that her message to me was not overexciteable. She was glad I was coming in today for a visit. I expressed my nagging concern to Joel, who agreed to come with me to Kalia’s for support. I joked that this was just the baby’s way of saying Joel should come to a visit with me. I also expressed my paranoia to my parents who came over shortly after to lend their support.
I laid on the couch while my Mom did up my dishes. Talking about it made me feel better. I started feeling hope return to me.
Soon it was time to head out and pick up Joel. The girls were outside with Grandpa, playing in their trailer. “Girls, quit pushing the window open, you’re going to wreck it…Stop!”
I went outside, hugged both girls, told them I was going to Kalia’s, that I would be back real soon. I got into the van, felt the warm sun on my shoulders and smiled as I watched them wave to me. “Damn, they’re so cute.”
I picked Joel up at work cheerfully and we made our way to the bank, then Kalia’s. We walked into the clinic, where we were greeted kindly by Kim. I apologized for seeming paranoid and explained I had never been like this my other girls, didnt know why this time so much. I laughed at myself. Time to check my pee…N.N. yay! for me.
I stepped onto the scale and laughed. 126 lbs, wow! 6 mos pregnant and I’ve just regained my pre-pregnancy weight finally. I had lost 10 lbs from morning sickness and I had only just gained it back at 25 weeks. My walks were paying off.
I ran into a girl while waiting that I had known from nearly 6 years ago. She hadnt any children yet at that time, and now this was #4. “Wow! They must be close together, I’m only on #3 and I got pregnant first. We’re having girl #3 in September…nice to see you…best wishes. Who knew that same week we;d birth out babies next door to eachother in the caseroom within a few minutes of eachother?
Kalia welcomed us in, moments after 12:30 pm on that Tuesday. Kalia asked how I was feeling, to which I cheerfully replied “Pretty good, sorry I’m acting so nuts, I’m never usually this paranoid yet here I am again anxious to hear the heartbeat. This baby likes to make me look like an idiot.” (at 15 weeks I had asked Kalia to fit me in for a FHC to ease my fears caused by not having felt the baby’s movements yet. I had felt Eden at 13 weeks. Kalia was able to pick up her heartbeat right away and Molly had kicked the doppler, first movement I had definately felt this pregnancy).
I then went on to say that I was feeling better, not as scared. I was probably just overreacting. She said ‘Well, lets just check her HR and get that out of the way first. She palpated first and found that I was measuring well for my dates. She reached for the doppler.
I looked at Joel with longing eyes. Please let everything be ok, not so sure anymore. Kalia calmly moved the doppler around my tummy…I knew it could take a minute to find, so I took a few deep breaths and relaxed, knowing I would hear it in a minute and be relieved. That wasnt happening. I looked at joel with desperation…I could feel my heart starting to race.
Kalia spoke to our baby. “Baby, stop trying to fool us, come on out” she sang. She tried to reassure me that this had happened before, that she knew a baby who fooled her.
Somehow I wasn’t buying it. Joel’s face was a blank stare. I started to sob. “Shes gone, I know it”. My body was shaking out of control. Kalia asked lovingly “Do You think she’s really gone?” “This isnt normal” I pleaded…”she hasnt moved, and I woke up at 4 am for seemingly no reason, bawling taht sge was gone”
“Jen, you need to stop shaking, we’ll listen again, but you need to relax your tummy muscles so we have the best chance at hearing her. I need for you to call on all your spiritual resources to help you to be calm and relaxed so i can keep trying.”
With my body violently trembling, I did just that. I prayed wholeheartedly, begging for my sweet girl to be ok, but that if she werent, that I survive this…please allow me to be calm and stop trembling so we can hear her.
The most profound thing happened next. My body wnet soft, I stopped trembling, and the most intense calm came over me so that my eyes rolled into my head. I lay almost lifeless, weightless, thoughtless. She listened some more…periodically we would hear a heartbeat, joel would look hopeful…but we were pretty sure it was just mine. I looked at Joel with doubtful eyes. Kalia asked if I would like an ultrasound. We agreed to that. She left the room. Joel said he was sure he had heard her, everything will be ok.
I cried “Even if she is still alive, shes not ok, I know it.”
Since that early morning, everytime I palpated Molly, it felt like she was bobbing against my hands. I knew it wasn’t right. My belly didnt look full and round. It looked for lack of a better word, shriveled. But her position had changed, I was sure of it. Was I moving her? I kept having BHX and after ecah one, her position was slightly different. Was she changing position thus causing the BHX? Maybe!! Kalia came back in the room.
“Ok, go to KGH Ultrasound, I spoke to a very nice lady there…she said it was a two-hour wait, so I asked her to please squeeze you in ASAP, or it would be the longest two hours in this couples lives.” Kalia would talk to us immediately afterward. We headed there straight away after kalia seeing us to the door with a hug. I called my Mom and explained what was going on. “Do you want me to come down?” she asked.
“No, just stay with the girls, we’ll know if there’s a problem soon. Just stay there for now.” We walked in, I was gliding through a haze in slow motion. We walked up to the deak and handed a lady our requisition. The lady told us to sit and wait, she wasnt very friendly. We sat down facing the counter. there was a little girl playing with the toys to my left. Joel sat on my right. I thought I felt a small movement? Joel said “Jen, I’m almost sure we heard her heartbeat, we just couldnt be sure.”
“It was just mine”, I said pleadingly. “No Jen, I’m sure I heard it, a faster one than yours”
“But my heart was racing, thats why!”
A moment later, a woman came up to us and asked if we had seen the little girl next to us. We had, but where was she now? Joel jumped up and ran. He went bolting out of the waiting room into the main hallway of the hospital..he ran back. The woman said “oh thank god, there she is” She had just moved so that she was hidden for a moment. Phewf!
We were called in shortly after to sit in another hallway, just outside where we would have our ultrasound. After what seemed like a lifetime, a woman came into the hallway from that room and called ‘Jen’. “Yes?”
“Come on in” she said…I laid down on the bed. “Are your prepared if its bad news?”
“Yes, we know it could be”
She rubbed tha gel on my tummy. She put the scanner to my belly. Joel stared at the screen. Within a few moment she said “I’m afraid its bad news, your baby girl is gone. Looks as though her growth slowed somewhere near 22 weeks. There’s no cord, no obvious reason, I’m sorry.” “What now?” I will call Kalia and let her know, you can speak with her after if you’d like.” I did. We were to come back to the clinic at 1:40. We walked out of the room silently, I gracefully entered the hallway and satright to the washroom. I robotically sat down to pee, got up, washed my hands and stared blankly at myself in the mirror. I walked out to Joel, who asked if I was ok. I shrugged. I turned to see my Mom hurrying down the hallway towards me. I felt a hot tear run down my cheek. My Mom could see from my face that she was not ok. I said “Shes gone Mom.”
“Oh Jen! I’m sorry.” She took me in her embrace. I felt her warmth and sorrow envelop me. We left. I told her to go back to Dad and not to say anything to the girls. We will ourselves. I caled Dad when I got to the parking lot. I had to tell him myself. I begged him not to let the girls see him cry. We needed to deal with this ourselves. I called Anita. She burst into tears. We drove. We decided to go get a tea from Blenz while we waited to go back to Kalia’s. I remember sitting on the bench outside with Joel, staring at the sun with its heat on my face. I felt strong. I called Andrea using my mobile. I said “Andrea, our baby is gone.” “Ya right”… “she is”, “you’re kidding”… “No I’m not”… “no, you’re kidding”… “Andrea, I’m not gonna argue with you now”…the rest was a blur. She would meet us at Kalia’s for support.
